What Spam doll means to me - YouTube →
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You can't choose your family, but you can make a...
Now then my little dumplings, today’s ‘listen with mother’, is on the topic of ‘friwendship’. Yes, the notion makes me want to regurgitate my Chardonnay too. It seems that on this slow march towards death we need to acquire other human beings to share in the tedium that is often referred to as ‘life’ by the more optimistic. It may surprise a few of you that I have managed to con people into...
Travel wankers, think on your sins.
Hello darlings, am making a temporary return from a long hiatus as I am currently suffering from a mental health issue known as ‘backpacking’. In my wisdom I have decided to do the middle class thing of ‘finding myself’, largely by spending a disgusting amount of money I don’t have, dragging a 23 kilo backpack full of shit I don’t need, to meet other...
Chain emails: Forward them and I’ll rip your sorry...
Darlings, darlings, darlings, I am back from a temporary hiatus/Gin induced coma to bring you my petty and wildly out of proportion hatred of chain mail and the morons that inexplicably send it to me. Gather round. What was once the scourge of poor Nana’s letter box is now the plague of my blasted inbox. It seems that the tradition chain letter of yonder has had a technological makeover since the...
Working with kids: Any idiot can do that right?
Working with kids, It’s the line of work every fucker has an ill informed opinion on. Tell people you work with kids and chances are they’ll tell you how to do your job. I know teachers will feel my pain as I have witnessed them being told time and time again by opinionated douche bags such cod shite wank as how teaching is ‘making learning come alive’ but they have far too many holidays and are...
Feelings and shit: Bitches be crazy
Oh ladies, ladies, ladies, you crazy emotional vampires you, sucking the very joy from existence with your tearful man woes. Once a pillar of sanity in this mad world girls all around me appear to be all consumed by what their ‘man’ wants. Yes these are the bitter ramblings of a future spinster surrounded by dying cats but at least hear me out hoes. Alarming stories have been coming to...
ninjahedgehog asked: I have two questions: 1) Did you ring the mobile number? I could have/may have some fun with that and 2) How, oh how did you find that picture again??
How to deal with Scams: Fight bullshit with...
Now darlings, who would like to come forward and admit to falling for the various interweb scams that curse our inboxes on a seemingly hourly basis. I thought not. There must be some of you though who haven’t quite adapted to the Skynet-is-on-the-horizon digital age and believe they really have won the Spanish lottery they don’t remember entering. Surely though it is safe to assume that if you...
Debenhams, allow me to explain my fury.
Dear Debenhams, I am writing to you to express my utter contempt for your pitiful organisation. Let me explain my fury. I made the unwise decision to sign up for a Debenhams store card several months ago to take advantage of some offers you were running at the time especially for the chosen ones i.e. The Debenhams card holders. Your seventeen-year-old sales girl signed me up with the usual...
Warning! Facebook may induce severe narcissism
Sugarplums I realised today that I had finally been indoctrinated into the new world order when it dawned on me that I was talking to someone on Facebook about our current Skype conversation that was taking place, whilst texing another friend about “that bitch on Twitter”. So traumatizing was this realisation I had to locate the emergency Hungarian Ouzo I had been saving for such a digital...
What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be...– Jeanette Winterson
Job Specification: No personality required
I never thought I’d be the one to say it, but never work with kids if you want to keep some semblance of privacy and indeed free speech. No, darlings I haven’t been at the gin again, I am talking about the tragic state of affairs that has befallen common sense. Let me not open another bottle of gin and explain. A friend of mine has had numerous run-ins as it were with ‘the man’ for daring to...
Pip vs Halfords: Give me my dream pink bike or...
Those who know me know I care not for retailers. Especially not retailers who fail on promises to deliver dream pink bikes. Dear Halfords, I am writing to you as your levels of customer service have reached breath taking new lows, if that was at all possible. Clearly I am having a mental health crisis as I thought it a sound decision to purchase a bike from your good selves after being...
Travel-induced-schizophrenia. It’s a real...
Like all the best things in life, it began in a bar. My love affair with travelling that is, not my love of all things vodka based. If my memory serves me right, I was 16 at a holiday campsite in France, probably eyeing up the blonde lifeguard and the scruffy, pissed, Geordie barman was discussing quitting his job in the Haven holiday park bar and moving to Norway to pick fruit or something...
The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come...– Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
Perhaps all romance is like that; not a contract between equal parties but an...– Jeanette Winterson - The Passion
How hard can investment banking be?
Whilst contemplating my future when I return from my travels I have wisely decided to apply for a position in Investment Banking in order to have a proper ‘grown up’ type of job. Please feel free to leave constructive criticism so that I may improve on the many cover letters I intend to send out to prospective Employers. Thank you and big love. To email@example.com Dear...